Monday, October 6, 2014

How to Get Your Feet All Gross and Look Chic In Time For Halloween

It's October, that wonderful time of year of apple cider wishes and pumpkin spice dreams. It is beginning to become chilly enough that I begin to have seasonal, heart-warming thoughts such as, "How long can I get away with wearing cardigans and circle scarves before I have to squeeze into my coat that I am too fat for?" And then I panic. This year isn't any different. This year the fear is especially prescient as I have never been this fat before in my life and do not trust that I am going to continue to lose weight in time. 

I really want to be that person who says these things don't matter. For instance, I don't care if my best friends fit into their coats or whether they analyze the roll of back fat that hangs over their backside in the mirror when they dry off after their showers. The length of their necks does not matter to me, nor do I go counting their chins when we go out, and I do not analyze their scalps to see if they're losing hair at the rate that I am losing my hair.  I do all these things to myself, however, because I want to fit into my coat, I want to have less back fat, I want my neck to look longer, I want a youthful jawline, and there should be no scalp showing through my ponytail.  The nerve.

Therefore, just when the weather stops being disgustingly humid, the air starts biting my limbs and I whine to my husband, "I'm cold."

"I know!" he says, sighing the blissful sigh of someone whose chest never looks awkward stuffed in a jacket, "I love it!"

"I don't."  

I don't tell him why because I keep telling myself that I will be thin enough by November to fit back into my winter coat. Not my fat, heavy coat that I hate lugging everywhere but my light fleece lined coat that used to be my mother's and smells like her shampoo.

So last night I dragged him out at 8pm on a Sunday night to Target to purchase a FitBit, because Aussa Lorens has one and I am a mindless sheep I want to have a cool pedometer.

As soon as I got it home I regretted it.  I couldn't get it on my wrist.

I finally got this fucker on.

After three hours of charging and one hour of struggling to get the damned clasp snapped around my dainty wrist, it was 1am and I was in the mood to murder things.  

But according to the sensor, after that I slept like a baby. So there's that.

I have a lot of fitness goals to meet this month besides hoping I will be thin enough to fit in the coats I already own. 

First, I am training for the 2014 November 15th Annual Color Run in Baltimore, my first fun run. Haha, I don't run. I ran before I got really fat on Depakote, but after that I just slept a lot and now I've forgotten how to run. It's in less than six weeks so I'm probably fucked, but I figured I could get some walking in and at least get some exercise before the event.

I want to start exercising two hours a day. I know that seems excessive, but it's not if I want to fit in a cute little coat.   I can get in an hour easily at work now that it's cold out by walking on my two fifteen minute breaks and walking during my lunch break. I need a pair of galoshes for those days when it is raining and perhaps a rain jacket, but other than that I think I'll be good to go.

For the additional hour I have my twice a week Zumba classes, I have access to some area gyms, I have DVDs and Youtube videos, and I can walk outside some more. But what I would ideally like to see me do is 30 minutes of strength training on a daily basis followed by 30 minutes of walking. 

Now here is my issue -- I have no idea what I am talking about whatsoever when it comes to 30 minutes of strength training. I don't know what to do in those 30 minutes and I don't know how to divide the time fairly and safely to all my muscles to make sure I'm not injuring myself. 

Then I remembered that I have this amazing DVD at home for strength training called Ten Minute Solutions - Target Toning.

I wonder if I can find that elsewhere because I'm too damned lazy to use the DVD? (What?)

SO! In short I will be a-movin' and a-groovin' (ew) this whole month out of sheer vanity. And I know I'll lose ten pounds by the end of October.  How do I know this?  Because I will bleed out from all of the blisters on my feet, which will have turned into nubs from all the walking.