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Monday, September 8, 2014

Vacation, Mental Illness, and Weight Gain

I had a good time on my vacation.


Here is a MySpace style angle shot of me in my vacation wear.
I got to spend my vacation with this beautiful person who loves me.

We had a heart-shaped hot tub. 

And late night pizza delivery


The difference between my husband and I is that I get so excited about being on vacation that I can't sleep and have to watch the sun rise each morning.



My husband is a slumber bunny and has no such excitement for the morning.


But no worries! We had an amazing view to keep me occupied until my warm sweet husband woke up.

My parents even decided to stop by for breakfast and swimming.  My mom brought our tacky mother/daughter matching lime green cowboy hats. (They truly are atrocious.)


There are a few more photographs on my Instagram. However, my weekend get-away was full of many wonderful things that were not photographed.
  • Strawberries and Chantilly with my parents
  • Swimming for hours in the pool with my mom while we talked about everything
  • Firing up the hot tub and my mom and I putting our feet in it.
  • Trying to teach my parents how to take selfies
  • Fried macaroni and cheese
  • Butter pecan waffle cones
  • Hours of heat lightening before a severe thunderstorm over the ocean and we had the perfect view.
  • Lucky charms with milk
  • Snuggling in a king sized bed with memory foam and fleece blankets
  • Romantic overcast walks hand in hand along the shore.
  • Windy boardwalk activities
  • Red Velvet Funnel Cake
  • Italian Ice
  • XXX shopping (always hilarious and educational)
  • Mini golf
When we came home our cat was a clingy clingertons. We left her for days with no interaction and I was proud to see she was perfectly fine the whole time, but she missed us.  So much purring. So much.

There were also some bad things that happened, namely I had a bad acid reflux attack because I eat like a teenage high school quarterback who thinks he'll never die of a heart attack. I may or may not have barfed on one of the hotel towels. We made sure to tip the maid extra.

I came back from the trip weighing 234.3 lbs. Ugh. Not good! 

I was thinking since I have been starting and stopping dieting stuff all year and all I have done is gain weight that I'd try something different.


Back in 2011 I started the Atkins diet with great success. I started at 222.2 lbs in March 2011 and by August 2011 I was 173 lbs.

Unfortunately during that time I was going through some bad mental health stuff. Between that and school and other factors, I fell into a depression and stopped doing it. I gained all of my weight back by Fall 2013. 

When September 2013 rolled around last year I started the Game On Diet. I liked how easy it was and not restrictive. I was able to get back down to 200 lbs by mid-November.  I was walking every day. Then the stress of my life got to me. My husband had been laid off for a few months at that point.  I was pulling all-nighters to get homework done and then going to work the next day and dealing with an increasing workload. I had a mental breakdown and stopped actively doing any dieting.


The weight did not come back on right away. I was able to keep off the weight until I started the bipolar medication, Depakote. Depakote has many side-effects that are bothersome including digestive issues (acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, vomiting), hair loss, mental confusion, weight gain, and itchy skin to name numerous examples.  But most of these usually go away after a while.  What sticks around is the weight gain and hair loss. It's a fair trade off to not want to make the shitty decision of killing myself, which is how I felt on a daily, minute-to-minute basis before I started the medication.


Since then I have gained 35 lbs, but I'm mentally stable. Unfortunately, I have been unable to stick to any sort of healthy lifestyle for more than a couple days before I just don't feel like exercising or eating clean.  Part of the problem is that I'm starving all the time. I get home and I want to eat eat eat for hours and before you know it I have blown my diet.


On Atkins I can eat 4 cups of veggies, as much meat as I want, and keep the weight down. I remember having a ton of energy on it.  I can have bacon and cheese if I want to, but I can also have tomatoes, palm hearts, and pumpkin and a bunch of other veggies.  And eventually I can fold back in other things if I miss them and get bored, but for now I just want to stop being so hungry and gaining so much weight.


I'm going to be doing Zumba (plus toning) (ew I hate the word toning) (why can't they call it strength training?) 2x a week so I will be getting exercise in, and I'm going to try to be more active on the days I don't have Zumba. 


At this point I don't even care if I lose weight.  I just want to stop gaining it.

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