Wednesday, September 10, 2014

TL;DR I stabbed my thumb and danced like a stripper and felt like Beyoncé.

In my last post I mentioned that I started doing the Atkins diet.  That was two days ago and already I've lost 2.4 lbs of water weight. I'm not seeing any results yet, but I do feel stronger as I'm also doing Zumba twice a week and trying to get in a walk four times a week. Also, those horrible feelings that come with first starting the diet are all gone now. No more headaches or exhaustion.

I'm still trying to get used to the diet plan.  I haven't yet had a leafy green salad which you're supposed to do twice a day I think, but instead I've been counting my carbs with other types of vegetables such as grape tomatoes and green beans. Four grape tomatoes and four green beans is four net carbs and then I drench them in 1 oz bleu cheese which is 1 carb.  I try to have five carbs a meal, four meals a day. After three meals I dedicate the rest of my carbs to cheese because it is my lover.

I've had other foods be my lover. True story, I once had an orgasm in a seafood restaurant over plain cheesecake. This happened in front of my grandmother and mother and everyone. It must have been so annoying for everyone to witness the stupid eighteen year old moaning like Meg Ryan at the dinner table.  I felt so dirty, but no regrets whatsoever. That was a damn fine cheesecake.

I also had ... feelings eating a Twix straight from the freezer after eating nothing but clean food for weeks. Maybe I have a problem?  Or maybe I'm just amazing.

You know what else is amazing? Cheese. Last night I whipped up an egg and cheese "pizza crust" I saw on the internet.  Unfortunately I did not use any cooking spray and it stuck right to the pizza pan. That was dumb.  I ended up scraping off the top layer anyway and eating it because cheese. I can always buy another pizza pan and not be a dumbass about cooking. Plus, I stabbed my thumb with a fork trying to get that crap off the pizza pan so it's a lost cause.

When I announced that I was going low-carb, some of my fitness enthusiast friends had many questions.  I was interrogated about my choices.  All I can say is that the best thing I can do for myself is stick to it. In two weeks I can have peanut butter and in three weeks I can have low-glycemic fruit, as long as I keep losing weight. Right now I can have tomatoes, 4 oz. cheese a day, and I can eat cream cheese.

I just had a shiver at the thought of cream cheese.

I suppose food becomes so much more exciting when you're a little more focused on it.

I cannot stop pinning recipes.  This is ridiculous.


So I went to Zumba on Monday night.  This was my very first floor Zumba class. Previously I took Aqua Zumba at my local swim center back in 2011, but school got in the way of my fitness and I quit going to the swim center.

School got in the way of my Atkins diet as well! I went from eating mostly kale to mostly Atkins bars. I've decided to not eat Atkins bars at all this time unless I can learn to bake them myself.

Anyway my first Zumba class was hilarious. Our teacher looks like a cross between Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep with Madonna's body. She wore one of those belly dancing sarongs with the tiny bells over her workout clothes. I was front row center since this was my first time and I wanted a lot of room to knock around clumsily.

My favorite part of the class was that she was trying to teach a group of mostly geriatrics to do body wave and she described it as a "stripper pole" move. Much of our class was spent trying to perfect that dip of the chest into our rib cage, that squat, that flip of the hair.

I felt like Beyoncé.

The next class is tonight and supposedly she might bring sarongs for the rest of us. I have no ass to hang it on, so we'll see how that works out.


  1. We interrogate you because we love you. We want to make sure that what you do is safe and worth your time. I want to be more supportive of your efforts in the future.

    I love that you're taking Zumba classes! I'm always too nervous and anxious to attend public exercises. What if I mess up, sweat more than anyone else, lose my breath, get kicked, kick someone else, don't pick things up as quickly as everyone else...I read about how much fun all of these classes are and I think that the person was either paid to say that or one of those people who doesn't give a damn what others think, which is very much unlike me. I'd love to read more about how these classes and groups go for you. The cost, whether it was worth it, if they were easy or hard or monotonous, what you chose to wear, if these exercises are something you'd do at home...everything.

    1. Look at you, giving me ideas of what to blog about! But I think I'll add it in this comment. Where I go it's twice a week, $65 for seven weeks. I was out of breath the whole time, but I'm a pretty good dancer so keeping up wasn't too bad. I used to take dance classes as a child and the Aqua Zumba classes really helped me catch on to the floor Zumba. I think what attracts me about Zumba with others is not how good I look but being around others who shine brightly at Zumba. I see a good, enthusiastic instructor and class ... well I want to hang around them to bask in their glory! It really lifts my mood. I do feel awkward when I'm out of breath or can't get the steps and feeling embarrassed doesn't roll off me but because I'm also having fun I try not to let it bother me too much. I wouldn't be able to do it at home though because the people in the apartments below me would complain.

      I know you nag because you love me! Even if I do get all HMPH about it!

    2. Can you ask if the classes are like the DVDs? I don't have anyone below me and I'd feel a lot better about nobody else sweating me.

    3. I've never tried the DVDs, but I did do Zumba on X Box once and I have a Zumba app and the moves are definitely the same.

  2. I think my comment disappeared. :(

    Anyway, I was just saying good luck with the diet! Hubs had a lot of success with the low carb thing

    1. Thank you! So far I'm seeing a little progress and have lost my funnel cake weight!