Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Things Worth Living For: Broken A/C, Robin Williams, Ableist Coworkers, Rain, Nettie Lou, Curly Sue, Pizza, and Mary Lambert.

I came to work in a very rotten mood today.  

Our A/C has been on the blink for more than a week, causing us to open the windows, causing the waves of Maryland August humidity to moisten everything in the apartment into a sticky glob of gross. There are no signs of it getting fixed by maintenance any time soon. I'm all swollen with edema and I don't feel like walking all of a sudden. Super suck. Not to be outdone, Robin Williams died yesterday. When I saw the 2014 date verified on Wikipedia at about 11pm last night my first thought was, "No, bring him back ..." And then I saw that it was suicide and my heart broke again. Because I've been there. 

So I had trouble sleeping last night. I came into the office very fragile and punchy. I run into my coworker who we will call Jane.  Jane is a very positive and upbeat person, but she is not the most empathetic when it comes to mental health issues and negative attitudes. It is kind of a trap talking to Jane because she will express sympathy over why you look tired and sad but you never know if she is going to say something to make it much worse.  Anyway, Jane went on a sudden rant about how suicide is a selfish act which I disagree with.

Edit: I may as well repost it here from Facebook.

I was talking to my coworker this morning about Robin Williams's alleged suicide and she went off on a very inappropriate rant about how suicide is so selfish and I couldn't help thinking she was the one who was selfish and that people who say things like that might contribute to reasons why some people end it. I had no patience or strength for her toxic vitriol that early, so I just walked away. 

I get irrationally angry sometimes too at people who die unexpectedly, but saying someone killed themselves on purpose because they are selfish is making their pain all about you. People who have a history of depression and addiction or other illness do not kill themselves to leave others, to trigger others, to hurt others. It isn't about you. For I have been there, in that corner, and the pain in the moment erases everything and lies to you. It pushes every button you might have and it is convincing.

Depression hits the brain as a reaction to stress much like a virus infects the blood, much like bacteria destroys tissue, much like disease breaks an organ.

Ever since hearing the news in the middle of the night hours after everyone else already knew, I've been triggered. The words and feelings float around in my head and I'm not even sick anymore. I'm in such a different place than I was. My feelings and thoughts are appropriate for most situations and I can tell the difference between reality and fiction. But still I am triggered and I am sure more people around you are.

So don't say things like my coworker did. It just makes people who might be in that place feel more alone and you are causing more problems instead of helping.

After I was finished slamming around every file on the desk, crying my eyes out, emailing my family, and social media-ing my angst the following things happened:

1. It began raining really hard.  I love the calming magic of rain.

2. Nettie Lou came over to say she was ordering pizza for the whole office. It was amazing pizza.

3. I said a nice thing to Curly Sue. I told her that if she played a judge on TV that I would watch the show. I would totally watch the show.

4. One of my other coworkers took over a meeting I thought I had to do today. Not that she earned the gratitude, but I was relieved being that I felt swamped and stressed.

5. I found a new earworm because of The Bloggess:

These moments, all of them, the cold and the warm, are worth living for. 

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