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Monday, August 11, 2014

My Bass Is Not Round

Source: Jenny Trout

This video is everything I want my life to be.

It is cotton-candy colored.

It has sassy cute chubby guys who are amazing dancers with sweaters over their shoulders.  I can't resist shoulder sweaters. I just can't.

The back-up dancers of all shapes and appearances are super excited about dancing along.

It has false eyelashes.

It has whimsical hair accessories and tights.

It has a Justin Timberlake SexyBack reference.

Hello, 1960s retro homage. You seduce me so. You know this about me from my love of movies such as But I'm a Cheerleader and Jawbreaker, to my neon colored living room, to my own collection of mod dresses. Of course this video is right up my ally.

But I am not supposed to like it because it is not inclusive. 

Most of my life I have been what Jenny Trout calls "fatcceptable" except for a short while when I took ballet too seriously and was a size six finally. Finally. But no, by age 12 I was a size 12, and by age 14 I was a size 14, and by age 16 I was a size 16. Then from age 18 to age 21 I was anywhere between an 8 and a 16 depending on the cut of the clothes and how much pizza I consumed. My size back then was absolutely on my mind all the time and had the power to completely ruin my day.  Am I thin?  Am I fat?  Am I normal?

Once I gained 100 lbs and began wearing size 22 and size 24 I actually felt more comfortable about myself because I no longer had to wonder if I was fat. Of course I was fat.  Some people were very rude about it, too, but for the first time it seemed like their problem and not mine. I felt comfortable because I did not question that I was fat. It felt worse to hear insults at size 16 that I needed to lay off the pizza and that at size 12 I had a bit of a belly than to hear I had blown up to the size of a balloon at size 22. 

I was fat.  So what? Many of my friends were fat and they were all gorgeous with excellent looking and kind lovers, successful careers, and full of joy. Their only concern was that clothes shopping was hard and physical activity was hard. It was not until I lost weight again and had to put up with everyone's comments about my body again that I felt like a freak. 

Here are the things that make me feel like a freak at times that have nothing to do with my size but I feel kind of grateful about them:

1. One of my boobs is two cups bigger than the other and it has a giant keloid on it from a scab I picked too many times. And my nipples leak. Yet I do not have cancer, despite those huge obvious cancer symptoms.

2. One of my cheeks is bigger than the other cheek.

3. My nose cheats to the side a little from when my husband accidentally head butted me during our first month of dating.

4. My "booty" is not round.  It is just a butt, like any other boring middle aged woman's butt. But it's mine and I will shake it shake it shake it.

5. I have very white skin that does not tan and I do not wear any makeup or bronzer or fake tan to hide that.  Sometimes people say I look sick.

6. I don't get manicures or pedicures. 

7. I have the stomach of a woman who has had a couple kids and I do not have one child. This is true of me even when I'm thin. It's my shape. It's cute and actually desirable to some.

8. My scalp is actually really gross. But it still holds my hair!

9. One of my molars never grew in and I still have a baby tooth left over that was supposed to fall out and didn't. 

10. My pinky toes face outward.

Some of these things make me feel pretty neat and others not-so-neat.  And now that I am 32 I still want to lose 100 lbs, just to see if it would cure my edema, heartburn, apnea, irregular periods, allergies, and prevent other things like diabetes, gout, fatty liver disease that even the thin and beautiful people in my family get. Part of me is still that fatcceptable girl, in that mindset that wonders if I will ever be normal.

But I am grateful that I am me.



Grateful Heart Monday w/ Ember Grey

2 comments:

  1. (Stopping by from the Grateful Heart link-up) I loved this post. While I adore the 'All About That Bass' song, I can't say that I really accept myself on the level that the artist does. I think we all have laundry lists of things about ourselves that are different or something we'd change if we could, and it takes a strong woman to admit these + accept them all at once. This post gave me confidence to continue working on myself, while also being grateful for everything I am (and am not).

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    1. I'm here to help! And to play off your name, what makes us unique is what makes us belong with wildflowers. Or something. I'm working on it!

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