Thursday, August 7, 2014

Mad Cubicle Disease: Passive-Aggressive Fun With Coworkers

It is time for Round 3 of Mad Cubicle Disease, stories from the cube.

Remember the horrible lady from my first story, the one with the eating habits of Curly Sue?

Well if you don't remember here is the jist: she sits at her desk and eats loudly all day long. Like this:

I HATE IT! For reasons.

A day in the life with my coworker is as follows:

She eats things with cellophane wrappers.  She sucks her fingers and thumbs, sucks food off of the cellophane, and sucks the food out of her teeth. The sound effects are appalling. 

She chews with her mouth wide open, smacking her lips. Then she chokes on what she's eating because she's eating so fast and so rudely that it inevitably fails to swallow. She always talks with her mouth full when someone comes by and we get to hear and see what she is eating.  If it is chewing gum she has a habit of pulling it out and winding it around her fingers in meetings.

It is often hard to tell when she is officially at lunch because she eats for long periods about five to eight times per day.  

And I work twenty feet away from her for eight hours a day.

And you can hear the noise through headphones. 

And she's a very surly, sarcastic, negative person who takes offense at everything.  I know this because I had to train her how to do her job and all hell broke loose to the point where she bitched about me to other departments. Since the people in those departments are my friends, they told me all about it.

It all started because the week she started in our department was the week I got married to my husband. And of course she had to be in the process of divorcing her dead-beat jerk of a husband who does not pay child support.  So the first two months she was there she was very surly towards me and would not listen to a word I said when I would train her. She also likes throwing me under the bus left and right. The minute I do something she does not like she goes behind my back and whines to everyone else.

Basically she is the worst and I hate her and I am a petty piece of shit who has had it with her eating habits. As for her drama, whatever. She iced out the new girl who started because she wanted her job. Aussa Lorens would refer to this behavior as being a harpy. 

I finally decided last week it was time to make her life a living hell.

I would destroy her.

Okay, not really, but I am having a bit of passive-aggressive fun with her that helps me get through the day.

For instance someone I know (not me) who we will call Jacqui (because that is her name) who does not work with us sent her this anonymous passive-aggressive as fuck but professional email:

I told Jacqui to leave out the part about the music volume because all of us play music at our desks.  In fact, I am one of those annoying assholes who sings and hums at her desk. I am determined that one day I will turn this tired office into a Broadway show. (Not that determined. Everyone will probably retire or quit.)

Anyway she did not edit it from this and sent it. And not five minutes later Curly Sue gets up and storms over to my other coworker's office.

"DID YOU GET THIS EMAIL?!?" she staged whispered to Arachnophobe. 

Oh great. Arachnophobe and I have a history because I used to sit next to Arachnophobe, who popped her gum all the time. I told Arachnophobe about how gum popping makes me stabby, but that everyone in our office popped their gum and that I would learn to deal with it. However, one day I was not dealing with it really well and I wrote about it on my Facebook.  That particular day it was not Arachnophobe who was popping her gum, but one of my associates who assigns me work, but Arachnophobe took it personally.  Not only did she block me on Facebook, she decided to passive-aggressively fuck with me by creating a screen saver that says:

I love chewing gum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then Arachnophobe would explain it to everyone who came by. Fun times. Except not really because Arachnophobe was my favorite person to bond with by messing with other people and now she thought she could mess with me. It was ridiculous.

I never even got a chance to explain that the world does not revolve around her and that it was someone else's gum chewing that was making my brain boil, but whatever.

So anyway, of course they both think I did it and spend two days telling me how quiet it was in the office that day. So that part did not work. But it was still hilarious to me and I'm in debt to my friend Jacqui for making that specific day a little bit better.

So now I am fucking with Curly Sue in other ways.

Here are the ways I am fucking with my coworker and she is not even aware:
  1. I fart in her cubicle every time she steps away.
  2. I have tuna sandwiches at my desk and waft the sickening smell towards her.
  3. I talk out loud at my desk the whole day.  I used to only do it once in a while but now I do it all day, especially when it is just her around.
  4. I hum and sing as much as I can when only she is around because I know it annoys her.
  5. I repeat everything she says to me as a question. "I'm looking for this file." "You're looking for this file?"
  6. I smile at her until my face breaks.
  7. Every time she does anything to help I over-thank her like, "THANK YOU SO MUCH, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH, YOU TOTALLY SAVED THE DAY, WHAT WOULD I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU" until she gets really uncomfortable.
There are other ways I have been thinking about messing with her, like hiding her things in the ladies' room so she'll think she left them there by mistake, but to be honest I am pretty sure I would get caught and there would be fingerprints or something.

I actually get along really well with Curly Sue to her face. I show interest in her children, I am sympathetic to her problems, and I am as helpful as I can be in the office. I work really hard to be good at my job and I am not taking extra time out of my day to mess with her to a point that it interferes with our jobs. It's just that she knows she is a gross so-and-so with a sour attitude and I am a shitty person who likes toying with her because of it.  I will probably go to hell, but it will be worth it for the glee this is bringing me.


  1. I need to take some notes. This is brilliant!

    1. You have not lived until you have farted in some jerk's cubicle right before they return to their seat.