Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Be Free! "I do not feel bad for telling my story."

If I could tell anything to eighteen year old me, nineteen year old me, twenty-five year old me, and even twenty-seven year old me it would be this.

You're free. 

There are things about myself I am glad I did not change. There are things about myself that because I am free and have been for more than ten years I no longer feel bad about myself for.

I do not feel bad for telling my story. I come from a long line of people who want me to shut my mouth and keep secrets. I will not be silenced. I love to write because it is fun and I love to read what other people write for fun. Hearing people in their own words tell me about their lives makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes life worth living. 

I do not feel bad about what people think of my story. I know my story is not the only story out there. I know I am not alone. In fact, the reason why I share what I do is that I know someone out there has no other way of knowing they are not alone unless I do share.

I do not regret anything that has happened.

When my friend brought up my ex which caused me to google him it made me question everything about myself and caused a lot of pain. I found out enough about him that I began worrying. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he did not want to be friends with me anymore.

I felt so much pain that I did not need to feel. Why didn't he want to be friends? I was convinced it was because I was a terrible person who finally said something to him that angered him so much he wanted nothing to do with me. However over the years I am glad I have no contact with him.  I say that completely without malice.

Two people can be amazing, wonderful people separately, even if they have a lot in common. And I did think he was this amazing person, especially if this influential friend of mine who at the moment was still grudging on my future husband remembered this ex favorably. And I knew he once thought I was an amazing person.

What I forgot was all the words he said to me over the years that cut me like shards.Before we even met in person he gave me mixed signals. We were children, that's what children do. Except once we were adults I was still the crazy teenager who needed guidance and he was still the wonder boy with the bright future who could do no wrong. I was still lost soul from the mental hospital and he was still the first person who made me feel like something else. So I trusted him when he threw disdain my way. From my blogging decisions to my career aspirations, everything was met with disdain before and after the affair.

Did I know when I got on the bus that afternoon that I would lock eyes with a classmate and it would lead to making out like a year later? No. Am I glad it happened? Yes. Because college.

Before that affair, the ex was already side-eyeing me and making me feel bad.  After the affair, he begged for me back, but it continued. Because in the end, both of us were still children thinking we were adults. Both of us were in our teens, but were in contact until our mid-twenties.

Then suddenly it just stopped and I was okay with it at first. When my friend brought him up though all the shame and all the disappointment returned and I felt so powerless.

If I could get the world to stop doing one thing it would be to not tie your self-worth to others.  

Some people do not get to ask you why you do the things you do, and then negate it with their judgment that you do not live for yourself.

Some people do not get to be the person who dictates who you are friends with.

Some people do not get to explain that you have a victim mindset in an attempt to judge you for decisions you were forced to make in order to be happy.

If we were friends we would only ruin each other. I have no desire for harm to come to anyone. To paraphrase fellow blogger and Twitter-er Julie DeNeen, there is already so much in the world that harms us.

Sometimes it is greedy to ask for more than to be free. 

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