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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Ten Ways to Annoy/Entertain Big Brother: A Tale of Phone Apps and Tin Foil Hats

I like to use MapMyWalk to track my fitness walking on my smartphone. Ugh, that sounds pretentious. But I really like it because it shows where I went walking and all the hilly terrains and how fast I went. For instance, I had no idea I walk about a half a mile slower when I walk in my Clark's sandals versus my Clark's mary jane flats. And my flats are way more comfortable than my sandals, especially when I wear socks with them.  Sometimes I'm really gross and I don't wear socks with my leather flats and for a few wears that's fine but it gets a little stinky if it's daily. Smelly feet are unacceptable for me, barf.

I was telling Coffee Date Coworker and Arachnophobe Coworker about MapMyWalk and how it uses my phone's GPS capabilities to track my walking. Then Coffee Date Coworker said when she shops at Nordstrom's they track her location in the store and Arachnophobe says she uses an app where she earns points for watching TV shows and that the phone knows which channel you are watching. How do smartphones track what TV channel you're watching on those apps you install to track your TV habits for points?  Coffee Date's husband believes that the phone can hear your TV and I was like, "How can it hear your TV?" and now I think my coworkers are dumb as hell.  Who knows, though, they might be on to something.

It is a hilarious idea that people could be listening in on my living room and might also hear my conversations. They would be treated to a constant barrage of ...

1. MYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ANNIE!  ANNIE PANTIES!

2. GIT OUTTA THERE KITTY!

3. CUTE KITTY, WHERE ARE YOU CUTE KITTY! THERE YOU ARE!

4. I can see your dick! (My husband's dick. Not my cat's.)

5. I can see your sexy butt! (Could be either my husband or my cat)

6. Aww, poor dumb kitty. (This is when she runs past a toy I threw for her and then can't find it.)

7. You're so pretty! PRETTY KITTY. PRETTY KITTY. PRETTY KITTY. PRETTY KITTY. PRETTY KITTY. PRETTY KITTY.
 
8. Shut up, cat.

9. No, you cannot has. (Again, husband or cat.)

10. HUSBAND!  HUSBAND FRIEND! I LOVE YOU HUSBAND FRIEND!  HAHA YOU FARTED!


I think all of you should start saying random things when you start an app on your phone, just in case people are listening. Just start yelling random shit like, "LINUS! TRISCUIT! ATTACHMENT A!"  Let them know you're onto them!

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