Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Mad Cubicle Disease: Tales From The Cubicle Farm

I was just thinking this morning that sometimes I really love having a tedious and boring office job full of menial tasks such as entering data into our financial system and arranging contracts for signature.  It is nice to feel productive but to also not have so much responsibility that I take home the stress of my job with me every day. Everybody in my section becomes a little giddy when it's after three so we start joking around and having fun a little bit.

Yesterday the air conditioner was on full blast as usual.  It is loud. When it activates it sounds like an airplane taking off. In the past we've mocked the old Southwest Airlines commercial. 

"Ding! You are free to move about the country!"

Anyway, I was walking down the hall delivering contracts when my coworker said, "Can I get some peanuts?" 

Another one rang out, "I'll have a soda and some pretzels!" 

I began demonstrating the exits for their safety and they laughed.

When I was finished delivering contracts my coworker was out of her seat filing so I said, "For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the Captain turns off the Fasten Seat Belt sign."

Later that day I told her she was free to move about the cabin if she could fetch me an alcoholic beverage.  She told me, "We do not serve alcoholic beverages on this flight."

"That's bullshit! What is this, AirTran?"

We're corny corn nuts. 

I used to have a coworker who was obsessed with corn nuts.  She would eat them quietly at her desk.  I loved her. She transferred departments though. I miss her. I walk over to her department almost daily and leave outside with her at the end of the day as if she still worked with me.

We replaced her with this horrible lady who chomps loudly at her desk all day. She chews with her mouth open, clears her throat after every bite, and sucks on her fingers and teeth like Curly Sue after every choke.  I am convinced she does it on purpose to annoy us. It's not like an elderly person tick, but slow and deliberately with a smirk.  Think Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, back in the 90's before all of you reading this were born, I'm sure.

So I do it back at her, smacking my lips really, really loudly, flicking my tongue over my teeth like she does.  It's childish, but I don't care because she's an asshole and mocking her makes me feel better. Or something.

That is when I really did wish that my job involved something important enough so I would at least get my own office. 

Because then I would feel important.

Because then it would be quiet.

Because she is annoying.

Or maybe I just need my old coworker back. 


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