I hate saying that I am because I feel like some people politicize that stuff, and I don't want to hear things like, "You're beautiful as you are!" or "You're doing it wrong!"
I've only been doing it for a week and so far I have lost one pound. I don't feel like I am any stronger, faster, healthier, saner, holier than thou, or that I deserve congratulations or anything. I feel like I am doing what I should be doing and what responsible people do and it is very boring and good for me.
Here are some things I have learned or was reminded of in the past week about ... stuff.
1. I enjoy walking in the morning more than I do at night. The air is the best it is going to be all day during the summer, the cars on the road are less annoying as they're usually hurrying to work and not slowing down lost in my neighborhood on the way to a party, and I get all my piss and vinegar out early so I can be nice the rest of the day. Climbing up hills beneath towering trees is nice and humbling and I remember that I am part of the universe and can be stomped by it quite easily.
2. It is great to wake up early and make breakfast a priority. I used to sleep in until the last minute and run out the door, cold pizza in mouth with the neighbors giving me funny looks. Well, fuck them. Now I can watch the sunrise over eggs and peaches. It gets me out of bed if I tell myself I can have anything I want for breakfast as long as I eat it before 6am. That something is usually eggs and peaches, but this morning it was a chicken wrap. If you wake up remembering there is delicious breakfast to be eaten, maybe the snooze alarm won't be so tempting.
3. Sugar-free chocolate is basically laxative candy. In fact, I think this is how I got thin in high school--just ate poop makin' candy until I was sick and drank a lot of juice. All this time I thought it was Ritalin, but I really don't think so. I had really unhealthy attitudes about nutrition and body image back then.
Why do I want to lose weight? Well, I'm fine with how I look, but before I started the "weight loss kick" I was experiencing sleep apnea and heartburn, and my rings stopped fitting. I do not know why I feel guilty or why I feel the need to explain why I want to lose weight. But I do. I want to be that confident girl wearing the Fat-kini and rocking the size that I am because in this moment I am exactly where I need to be, as I am, no more, no less. Thing is, I am not doing this for a bikini body. It is more than that for me. It always has been.
While I was depressed I laid around without taking care of myself. There were weeks where the majority of the week I laid in bed, not even able to sit up. I lost a lot of my strength. I used to be able to run; now walking 3 mph is an amazing feat of strength for me. I used to be able to lift; now just bringing in some of the groceries is impressive. I am not fat and fit. I would like to be thin and fit, sure. I will settle for fit at any size, as fit as I can be.
In the meantime, I am getting out of bed every day and learning new things.
"You're in pretty good shape for the shape you are in."
~ Dr. Seuss