Thursday, July 31, 2014

Doppelgangers: The Ultimate Throwback Thursday Edition

Over at Ember Grey, Emily is worrying about some horrible drunk person telling her she looks like Glenn Close. 

I just want to reassure her that there are far, far ruder comparisons than being compared to a crazy sexy blonde with an incredible acting range.
Age 6:
I was called Dumbo because I had big ears, so I would hide them all the time behind my hair. This same boy followed me all throughout school and I got called various other things like fish girl.

Age 13: 
This bitchy girl in my eighth grade class said I walked like a nun. She later took out a full page in my yearbook saying if I changed, oh, absolutely everything about the way I look that I had the potential to be a knockout. Oh well, her doppelganger was (and still is) French Stewart. 


Age 15:

I also used to get Claire Danes a lot because of my fair skin.

Age 15 1/2
As the innocence of youth wore off, the comparisons began to be more toward horror movie stars, like Fairuza Balk from The Craft.  That was from an ex-boyfriend of mine. "You look like that girl from The Craft!" "Neve Campbell?!?!" "...No."

Age 17:
I gained a little bit of weight, which is what happens when you recover from an eating disorder sometimes, colored my hair bright red, and all of the sudden this fat shithead from my neighborhood would follow me around all the time calling me, "Quadruple butt!" and "Chucky!"

Then I lost the weight by graduation by running every day and my doppelganger was Veronica Lake. So fuck him sideways and I hope nobody ever lets him near a vagina.

Age 18:

So my other ex-boyfriend's brother used to call me Linda. They spoke Spanish so I thought he was calling me pretty, but I learned later he meant Linda Blair. And not pretty Linda Blair, but Linda Blair in costume. At this period of my life I was at my most made-up, thin, good-looking youthfulness I would achieve, so I wasn't sure why the comparisons were becoming more and more gross.  He was kind of a dick though. The rest of his family was sweet as pie, so he must have been the black sheep.

Hilariously, after I gained 100 lbs people were nicer about their comparisons.

"You look like that geeky girl from that show!"  Err, thanks!

Here are the girls I get now:

Kirsten Vangsness

Zooey Deschanel (I wish)

Elizabeth McGovern (omg I super wish!)
But when I go on those celebrity look-a-like apps on my phone I get these results:

So don't worry if you are being told if you look like a woman that looks like a man.  I have been told by an app that I look like an actual man and sometimes Angelina Jolie if I take off my glasses.


  1. "You look like that girl from The Craft!" "Neve Campbell?!?!" "...No." - I just choked from laughing. Oh, lady. Okay for one- people are freaking MEAN, especially in school. I mean seriously- Linda Blair when she's demonized? Clearly that person was crazy! Well for the record, Jen- you ARE pretty and do NOT resemble any devilish character or doll or cartoon character, and I hate to break it to you but no- you do not look like Eddie Murphy. (I totally forgot about Elizabeth McGovern- love her!!!)

    1. Linda Blair guy WAS super crazy ... one time I took too long saying goodbye to his brother at the bus station after a trip and his swung my suitcase at me and yelled at me. He must have been trippin.

      I pretty much died laughing at the Eddie Murphy result.

      And thank you! I'm not a model, but I'm not covered in scales all over my body! Haha.

  2. You have and will always be beautiful to me. Yes I will remark at times that you look like Zooey, but you will always look like Jen. I love your quirkiness.

    1. Oh honey, thank you, you too. And remember, when you're not feeling your best and the internet is telling you that you look like Elton John, don't forget this important message:

  3. When I was MUCH younger, I used to get Bernadette Peters and once, Molly Ringwald

    1. YES. You do look like Bernadette Peters!

  4. Love these. The only ones I've gotten were Linda Carter (Wonder Woman. Ok, not bad...), and more recently, a bellhop at a DC hotel was like, "Girrlll I bet you hear this ALL THE TIME but you look just like Debra Winger". I also have heard Angelica Huston and Angelina (same coloring, but with less money and more weight, probably in both cases).

    1. One time this girl in my english class made fun of me for wearing contact lenses because they were for pretty people like Linda Carter. So I guess my doppel is not Linda, heh.

      Debra Winger is ridiculously hot. Have you seen Forget Paris?