Saturday, May 3, 2014

Why I may never make it to work on time again!

According to this website I've been waking up wrong for almost 32 years.

I know! It's amazing I've survived all this time!

Here is proof that I'm still alive despite not living correctly. And while taking fuzzy cell phone photos:

Here is how I, along with most of the world, have been waking up most days.

Some time between 5am-12pm
Open eyes. Roll over like, "Noooooooo." :-(
Five minutes later
Cat jumps up and meows excitedly in my face, which means she's out of water, food, or there's a bird that's sassing her outside, or she just wants to remind me that she's a cat and she's happy about it. As Allie Brosh would say, "Yay!!!!! I'm a cat! I'm a motherfucking cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 
Cat jumps up on my bladder and starts kneading and I have to debate if the cat is cuter than my need to pee immediately.
Preferably inside toilet.
Sit on toilet 
Half asleep for 20 minutes or so. Or drink coffee, probably, like most of America does. I don't because I hate coffee.
Preferably inside shower.
Feed/water cat 
after cat climbs in shower, gets wet, and starts running all over the house, mostly in front of every step you try to take in an effort to knock you over.
get dressed as time dwindles down to get to work at a reasonable hour. Cat crashes into me meowing for attention and snuggles.
Leave house 
with either pizza in my mouth, eggs in my belly, or yogurt in the fridge at work a few hours from now when I get a minute.

As it is with this schedule I rarely get to work on time. If I continue this crazy lifestyle I'm apparently going to spontaneously combust and as we all know renters insurance does not cover that.  Lame.  I have decided that I can make some small changes to my schedule based on that Jezebel article and perhaps I'll live to see tomorrow. 

My new morning schedule might look something like this:

wake up and read the following affirmations I found from an article and made a little graphic from while my cat walks all over my bladder:

After doing various bathroom things, make and eat a nice pinteresting breakfast while drinking a tall glass of warm lemon water. I find it only takes about 15 minutes to make breakfast and 15 minutes to eat it. 

Stretch. And stretch some more. 
Walk 15 minutes in one direction and then return home. SO COMPLICATED GUYS!
Take a shower, put on sunscreen and lotion, and go to work naked. You didn't think I'd wear pants, did you?!?!

So perhaps I was wrong, in that I have plenty of time to get out of bed and get to work on time while taking reasonable care of myself. I even have time to sneak in making lunch and snacks to take with me if I want to. I basically have no excuse to leave the house with dirty hair and holding pizza in my mouth as I drive.

Because who needs one?!?!

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